Jack Sparrow's Guide To Life
by JessieRose
Summary: This is Jack's Sparrow's Guide to Life. Travel with him as he guides through the art of being a pirate! Please read and review!
1. Ships

Disclaimer: I don't own POTC. . . but I can dream can't I?  
  
A/N This is Jack Sparrow's guide to life, travel with him as he leads you through his life (and helps you in yours!!) and so you can take in everything you are taught, there is a remember section at the end of each chapter!! Starts with introduction, leads on to ships. . .  
  
Inspired by Bart Simpson's Guide To Life.  
  
JACK SPARROW'S GUIDE TO LIFE  
  
Introduction.  
  
Now everybody out there knows exactly who I am (and if you don't maybe you shouldn't be reading this!! You should be at the cinema, buying a ticket to see me ^_^ ). I am Captain Jack Sparrow, the Captain being just as important as the Jack, or the Sparrow! And this is my guide to life on the seven seas.  
  
Name: CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow (maybe it's even more important then Jack or Sparrow!!)  
  
Age: *cough* twenty *cough* and a few years.  
  
Occupation: A law-abiding merchant sailor *cough*  
  
Location: The Black Pearl.  
  
Appearance: Beads, dreadlocks, hat, irresistible, believe me if you see me, you'll know about it!  
  
Personality: I can be whoever you want me to be *wink wink*  
  
Likes: Rum.*what's that? I have to put more then one for likes?* Er.okay then rum.and strumpets *what?* Er.okay rum and young ladies! *sacks publisher*  
  
Dislikes: Betraying, mutinous bastards that steal my ship, apples, monkeys, blacksmiths, oh and the guard of the Port Royal cell, in other words that stupid dog!!  
  
Hobbies: Hobbies? Hobbies! Fighting, plundering, stealing, briganding, impersonating people (I recommend members of the church here!) *Hey wait a sec, doesn't hobbies and likes mean the same bloody thing!?*  
  
So now you know about me (I still recommend my latest film!) this is my guide to life. I do not accept any blame for injury, loss of money, family, or life that may result when reading my guide. Your on your onsies mate!  
  
Ships  
  
Now a ship is the most important thing to a pirate. It also acts as warning to merchant ships and other pirates. You fly your own, personal flag and the other know not to mess with you. I mean who in their right mind would mess with CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow.  
  
As I was saying, about three lines ago, a ship is very important. It symbolises (I learnt that word of Liz *grins proudly*) freedom. It's not just a keel and a hull and a deck and sails that's what a ship needs but what a ship is.what the Black Pearl really is.is freedom. Remember that!  
  
Now my ship is called The Black Pearl (if you didn't already know that then I'm very disappointed!). It was the seventh ship I commandeered, something very magical about the seventh ship you steal. Now we call it commandeering because it sounds better then 'stealing', and the dimwits around us don't know what we're talking about. *NB when I saw we, I mean pirates, remember that!*  
  
So to start with you have to commandeer a ship. Choose a good one, it'll have to last you whilst you're on the run. First scout the harbour, check out the navy guards, *not in that way, you filthy minded people!* Once you have selected the ship you want, find out as much about it as you can. Remember women know less, but are easier to get information out of. Aim for the sailors wives!  
  
When you have found out the number of people on the ship, and when it is to set sail, you are ready to go. (Commandeering is a lot easier if you have a crew!!) Once you have taken your ship, you have to leave the port as quickly as possible, preferably that second! Ensure your crew know who is captain, and set them to work straight away. It's important that they fear you from an early stage.  
  
And as you commandeer more and more ships it will get easier, look forward to the seventh ship you take! It is necessary to develop a name for yourself, a name at which good, brave men tremble with fear. I mean people hear CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow and they faint (with fear hopefully!!).  
  
A ship can be a wonderful tool, aiding you in your call to piracy. Respect her, and she'll respect you back. Work together with your ship, and in return she'll give many happy years of piracy.  
  
If you are successful you may have several ships to your name at once. If this is the case, we very careful, and I mean CAREFUL, who you select to captain your ships. Once you have selected your captains you can sit back and enjoy being known as commodore. And whether you are captain, or commodore, make sure no one forgets it! That's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow's two cents. *I don't know what that is, but it sounds good!*  
  
What we have learnt today: -  
  
WE = PIRATE  
  
SHIP = FREEDOM  
  
WOMEN = THICK, BUT EASY (FOR INFORMATION!!)  
  
SEVENTH SHIP = BETTER THEN SIX BEFORE  
  
ME = CAPTAIN  
  
Coming next time we have my guide to Tortuga, the land of opportunity. . . 


	2. Tortuga

A/N Thanks to morph for reviewing my chapter. I'm very glad you like it. Here is the next part. Many thanks ^_^  
  
~JessieRose~  
  
Tortuga  
  
And of course once you have got your ship, where you chose to sail in it is very important. I recommend Tortuga. It is indeed a sad life that has never breathed deep the sweet proliferous bouquet that is Tortuga , savvy? Not one hundred percent sure what that means, but basically, you are but half a man who has not been to Tortuga. Now there are several reasons why I like Tortuga so much.  
  
1. Everyone is friendly. It is such a happy, giving atmosphere that makes no man feel unwanted.  
  
2. You don't need a lot of money to enjoy Tortuga, the booze is cheap, the girls are cheap, and a bed for the night is free. I mean you can kip down anywhere you fancy, (preferably with someone else, not to put too fine a point on it) but failing that, the ground isn't that hard when you get used to it. Or the barns where the pigs are kept, though Gibbs usually sleeps in there.  
  
3. It's easy to get too, and although you'll probably get robbed a couple of hundred times, you'll leave, nine times out of ten, richer then when you first arrived.  
  
4. Word of warning though, Tortuga is not for the light of heart, if you dare to venture to my beloved town, then you must have two things. The first a level head; Tortuga is a place where people from all walks of life live (and when I say all walks of life, I mean ALL ). The second is acceptance. I mean you can either accept that the bloke next to you, is a serial killer, escaped from prison, and let him buy you a drink while picking your pocket, or you can't. (in which case he'll probably kill you during the night!).  
  
Once leaving the safety of your ship, you step out on to the gold filled ground of Tortuga. For there is lot's of money to be made here. If you know where to find it. For instance you can sell your services to someone, i.e. hit man, (kill someone), or general heavy (sort someone out). You can borrow loads from the money lenders (though I must warn you this could prove bad for your health). Become a money lender yourself, but this presents two problems. Problem the first, you would have to have money to start with, and problem the second people tend to 'bump off' their lone- sharks when they can't afford the bill.  
  
Another way off making money, is just to stick your hand into someone's pocket and take whatever you find. This too carries a warning, don't steal from anyone bigger then you, or someone carrying a gun. Try not to get caught, and then run like hell.  
  
Another interesting fact about Tortuga, there is at least one pub for every two houses. So let yourself go and bask in the glory of drunkeness, people look more attractive when your drunk.  
  
Now here's a bit of useful information to get you through your stay in Tortuga.  
  
1. There are no laws in Tortuga, (and if they're were I doubt people would pay much attention to them).  
  
2. Drinking is not a privilege, it's not a right, it's a. . . well it's something you've got to do! *can't think of the word*. I would seriously recommend 'The Smoking Dragon', lovely little pub beside the docks. Very cheap, good quality rum, and a bit of the barmaid if your lucky.  
  
3. Every other women you see is a prostitute.  
  
4. Every other man you see is in fact a women. (I'm not sure a 100% sure about this one!!)  
  
5. Don't ask questions, you might not like the answers.  
  
And now some recommendations as to where to sleep for the night, if you fail to find a nice bit o' ground: -  
  
1. Like in said before, 'The Smoking Dragon' is a cheap place to stay, with some good, and in rich supply *cough* horizontal refreshment.  
  
2. Another good place is The Drunken Unico'n (it's supposed to be Unicorn, but some one nicked the 'r') again, cheap, hospitable, warm, and *ahem* entertaining.  
  
3. But now to my personal favourite (why it is so, I shall explain in a minute) is The Dancing Lamppost, now one of the main reasons for this is you can absolutely pissed out of your head for five shillings. And for ten you can buy the lady of the house for one night. You'll love Scarlet, she's a smashing, slapping woman. *wink wink*  
  
WHAT WE HAVE LEARNT TODAY: -  
  
TORTUGA = GOOD  
  
So now you've got your dear ol' ship (hopefully not too old) and you've got your enchanting place (Tortuga) to sail to. What you need next is a loyal crew. So the next part of my guide, helps you to pick the best and turn away the rest. Savvy? 


	3. Picking A Crew

A/N I knew I'd get loads of reviews. . .after all I am Jack Sparrow!! Anyway another important thing is not to get a big head!! ^_^ anyway. . . this is the next part of my guide to life, where I will help you pick a trustworthy crew. . .  
  
Picking A Seaworthy Crew  
  
Now, I have had troubles with crews in the past. Not to go into too much detail, I once lost my ship to a mutinous, lying, crew led by none other then Hector Barbossa. But apart from that one unfortunate incident, I have been able to pick a very loyal, hard working crew.  
  
To start with, as I have undoubtedly mentioned before, you need to inspire fear into your crew's hearts, that way they'll work harder. Remember that! If they don't fear you, well you could end up on a deserted island, with a very limited supply of food and water (plenty of rum, though!!) not that I'm talking from experience. . . but don't let the crew take advantage of you. if they misbehave I seriously recommend taking away a few of their *ahem* nightly pleasures.  
  
Now there are several things you should look for in an able crew member (you should know these already, but I'm gonna help you anyway!) ; -  
  
1. Thing the first. Age. Age is important. Remember that. The younger a crew member is the better, they have had less time to turn against the world. You know exactly where you are with a young lad (or lass). You can train them to be loyal to you. Besides they tend to work for less wages. I know there are some down falls as little experience, but if you get the correct balance of Gibbs, Annamarias and Wills (maybe not Wills) then your home and dry (only your not 'cause you'll be on the sea, if you catch my drift!)  
  
2. Thing the second. Status. Now there be lots of young rich toffs eager to escape the bustle of a hard life in a grand country manor. These should be avoided at all costs. Not only do they know little bout ships, they'll probably be seasick, so steer clear of the sons (and daughters) of the rich. Go for the lowly townspeople *of course I'm not calling you lowly, Annamaria!*. They're easier to please, work harder and won't return home when 'daddy' calls.  
  
3. Thing the third. Appearance. Go for the scary, looking ones. They're the most successful when you attack. When I say scary, I mean the men (and women!) with one eye, no teeth, and a sword stained with blood. But remember to keep the mix between experience and youth.  
  
4. Thing the forth. Friends. I know this kind of defeats my last point, but don't pick anyone with enemies. Or you'll be fighting their battles for them. You don't want your ship attacked just because you have a crew member with problems.  
  
5. Thing the fifth. Er. . .well I can't think of anything else right now. So you'll just have to use your own judgement. Remember first impressions are usually the best, so go with your instincts, savvy?  
  
I have put together a brief description of the main roles on the ship, in the hope that you can chose the right man (or woman) for the job.  
  
Captain - Well, this is most likely to be you, but if you manage to commandeer more ships, and progress through your career, you may end up as commodore. In which case you must chose a captain to run your ship. I recommend promoting your most trustworthy first mate to this position.  
  
First Mate -I suggest when selecting a first mate, you choose extremely carefully. This is "supposed" to be the most trusted member of the crew. The first mate is second in command on the ship, and carries out all the duties of the Captain, when the Captain is, well, *cough* sleeping. Avoid people with monkeys, and men who like apples, they're just asking for trouble. And never give up the bearings to your destination unless you can completely trust your crew, (in other words, NEVER give up the bearings.), savvy?  
  
Second Mate - Not one hundred percent sure, but I suppose they do what the first mate does, when the first mate is *cough* sleeping. So again very important that you chose with care.  
  
Bo'sun - Not quite sure what he does, looks after the deck, and ensures ship runs smoothly (wait I'm sure I could do that. . .)  
  
And there's loads more people needed to man the ship, scrub the decks, and help you raid, pillage and plunder you weasely black guts out. Always room for one more, that's my motto, especially when the one more is someone like Annamaria. . .  
  
SO WHAT HAVE WE LEARNT TODAY: -  
  
OLD = EXPERIENCE  
  
YOUNG = SOMEONE YOU CAN MOULD IN YOUR OWN IMAGE.  
  
SCARY CREW = MORE PLUNDER  
  
BARBOSSA = DEFINITELY DON'T CHOOSE HIM TO BE YOUR FIRST MATE!!  
  
And now til next time happy pirating. I shall see you soon, when we shall discuss the ins and the outs of the Pirates Code. 


	4. The Pirate's Code

Thanks for the reviews, me 'earties, and now time for me to dazzle you with my knowledge on the pirate's code. (knowing all this stuff bout pirates, anyone would think I am one!!)  
  
The Pirates Code  
  
Hmmm. . .I'm beginning to think I should have mentioned this first. But er. . .if you're planning to be a pirate (if you have already got your ship and crew) then there are certain rules you have to follow. Now don't start threatening me, I didn't make them up! Now you can either follow these rules word for word. Or you can consider them more as 'guidelines'. . .  
  
These rules were set out to provide the discipline needed to run a pirate ship. Before you set sail with your ship, each man should swear an oath to abide by the rules. (Make sure men like Barbossa don't have their bloody fingers crossed)!  
  
1.Every man shall obey civil Command. (yes, I agree with this one! But maybe we should change it slightly. . .every man/woman shall obey Sparrow Command. . .hmmm much better!!)  
  
2. The Captain shall have one full share and a half in all Prizes; the Master, Carpenter, Boatswain and Gunner shall have one Share and quarter. (Yeah. . .one share and a half. . .give or take a share or two. . .preferably give!! ^_^)  
  
3. Anyone keeping secret of attempting to desert will be marooned. He may take only a flask of gunpowder, a bottle of water, a gun and some shot. (I suggest saving your one shot, don't shoot yourself. . .I mean you never know what's round the corner. . .a rumrunners ship? A couple of sea turtles?)  
  
4. That Man that shall strike another whilst these Articles are in force, shall receive Mose's Law (that is 40 stripes lacking one) on the bare Back. (This one's fun!! Just make sure it's not you!! ouch!!)  
  
5. That Man that shall snap his Arms, or smoke Tobacco in the Hold, without a cap to his Pipe, or carry a Candle lighted without a Lantern, shall suffer the same Punishment as in the former Article. (Hmmm don't quite agree with this one. . .a bit harsh. . .)  
  
6. Anyone being lazy or failing to clean his weapons will lose his share of booty. (Yes. . .no pointing any fingers. . .Gibbs!!)  
  
7. Everyone may vote on all important decisions. (As long as they vote for whatever I say.)  
  
8. Everyone may have a share of captured drink and fresh food. (Yes. . .a mouthful!!)  
  
9. Anyone found stealing form another member of crew will have his ears and nose slit open and be set ashore. (If they get caught stealing from me, they're dead before they hit the ground, but I usually let the men fight their own battles!)  
  
10. Gambling with cards and money is forbidden. (what!!?? It's only forbidden. . .if ye get caught!!)  
  
11. The penalty for bringing a woman aboard in disguise is death. (Yes, bring her aboard openly. . .I don't mind *wink wink*)  
  
12. No one may leave the crew until each man has made 1,100 pounds. (give or take a pound or two.)  
  
13. The compensation of losing a limb is 800 silver dollars. (Don't accept claims if the men chop them off themselves!!)  
  
14. If at any Time we should meet another Marrooner (that is Pirate) that Man that shall sign his Articles without the Consent of our Company, shall suffer such Punishment as the Captain and Company shall think fit. (I would comment if I actually understood this one!! But like I said. . .guidelines. . .)  
  
15. If at any time you meet with a prudent Woman, that Man that offers to meddle with her, without her Consent, shall suffer present Death. (Yes. . .there are plenty of more attractive, willing women!)  
  
How far you stick to the code depends on your own judgement. I mean surely rules are only there to break!! (Talking of breaks, I could murder a kit kat!!) Well that's my outlook, I mean you don't have to stick strictly to it, and every ship has their own allowances.  
  
WHAT WE HAVE LEARNT TODAY: -  
  
(INSERT CODE HERE) = (INSERT IMPORTANT WORD HERE)  
  
MESSING WITH ME = DEATH (oh wait we already knew that one!! ^_^)  
  
Now you have your ship, your crew, you have sailed to Tortuga, and abided by the rules. . .what's next? (If there is anything you want me to write about please mention it in your review!! Any subject area you would like the benefit of my expertise for, just drop me a line!! ^_^) 


	5. Parley, Tattoos 'n' Guns

Sorry it has taken me such a long while to update, I've had a pain in the arse, it's called Annamaria. Not to mention the bloody computer, I mean who invented these damn things anyway. . .better not say that it might crash on me again!! ^_^  
  
Bit of a bitty chapter. . .things I should have mentioned earlier but forgot in my young age!!  
  
Something I forgot to mention when telling you about the rules, one of the most important 'guidelines' of a pirate in fact, is the rule of Parley.  
  
So before I continue with today's topic I thought I'll just take a bit of time out to explain to you the dos and don'ts of this particular rule. This little word can be the difference between sink or swim. So the first thing you have to remember is the word itself, it's pronounced PAR -lay. Savvy?  
  
Next thing is when to use it. Well parley, when demanded by an adversary, means you must take them to your captain without harming them. Well, you could just kill them and hide the evidence. . .*what's that? Er. . .* second thoughts, you should take 'em to the captain!  
  
Now remember the word Parley, it might save your life one day, it may also directly result to your death. So here is my only warning, be careful when using the bloody word, savvy?  
  
In reply to Shawna, no the crew don't have a specific dress code, they wear what they like. But a good suggestion is poof shirts (good for movement) and baggy trousers. Boots are good for walking, and bare feet for climbing. Most of the women wear male clothes anyway, I mean can you image climbing the rigging in an Elizabeth style dress?!  
  
Kingelby, what you do when you run into a commodore? Well, one thing you have to remember when you "run" into such a man, is NOT to shake hands with 'em. It's a trick! ^_^  
  
To the Second Geek .cheers for the rum, me matey.  
  
And to everyone who mentioned the raiding, pillaging, plundering thing, well that's coming soon!! Savvy?  
  
Thing the First. Tattoo. Every respectable pirate (or unrespectable, now you come to mention it, hey wait is unrespectable even a word. . .) needs a tattoo. For a start it acts as an identity badge, so should you die, which you almost certainly will, (unless of course your Barbossa, and you have a gold medallion, stupid, ship stealing, mutinous bastard, *ahem* moving on. . .) everyone will be able to mourn your passing.  
  
So get a good tattoo, it doesn't have to be your name, it could be the name of your ship, or you woman (but tattoos don't come off easily, so the last one might not be a good idea, remember tattoos last a life time, women last a few nights!!). Anyway moving swiftly on. . .  
  
Titbit the second. Get a gun. Now this is important. I mean yeah, it's all very well to be swirling a fancy sword around and acting like a. . .well I won't say it. But why? What is the point? A gun does exactly the same job only far far quicker. So don't waste time with fancy sword play, it doesn't impress anyone (well actually I think Will a.k.a Bootstrap's son was pretty impressed with how magnificent I am). And a gun makes you appear more serious. Plus all your enemies probably carry guns, so it might be handy.  
  
Then again there is of course the major handicap that you have to reload after each shot...you obviously can't reload in the middle of battle, so the used pistol can be used as a throwing/whacking weapon to knock your opponentents out, another good idea is to carry more then one gun!! You know it makes sense! ^_^  
  
The third little thing I've got to tell you about. It kind of ties in with the gun idea, but on board your ship you need cannons. The size of your cannons is the symbol of how powerful your ship is, so think BIG! The types of shot include: -  
  
1. Grapeshot - a few tiny balls that can be put in a cannon and fired. (hence the name grapeshot!! Damn I'm clever!!)  
  
2. Ball - one ball that fits in the cannon.  
  
3. Chainballs - two balls attached with a chain, perfect for taking down the mast of another ship.  
  
But you don't really have to worry about things like this, I mean that's why you have a crew.  
  
Now the next section is about how to raid, pillage, and plunder your weasley black guts out!! (by popular demand!!)  
  
WHAT WE HAVE LEARNT TO DAY; -  
  
I DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT  
  
So like I said next time, we are going to be learning about the basics of pirating. . .so until then. . .BEHAVE!!  
  
[I]We're rascals and scoundrels, we're villains and knaves.  
  
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.  
  
We're devils and black sheep, we're really bad eggs.  
  
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho. [/I] 


	6. Pillaging, Plundering, Raiding

Okay before I start once more on my fantastic guide (even I do say so myself) just a quick note to my reviewers.  
  
To The Second Geek - Ladies of the Night are coming soon! Ohh a new bead to add to my lovely collection, many thanks ship mate!!  
  
To Evanjaleene - Well, oh here's a damn interesting fact, Port Royal is known as the wickedest place on earth!! You can see why, that nasty Norrington hanging all the innocent pirates!! Port Royal is actually just South of Cuba, on the Southern Coast of Jamaica. And Tortuga. . .ah. . .Tortuga. . .is a small island (if you can call such a wonderful place small) off the island of Hispaniola.  
  
To Kingleby - My hero. . .who I admire. . .me? Don't s'ppose that counts!! Anne Bonny was pretty cool, she was a woman who knew how to get what she wanted, and would doing anything to achieve her goals. I admire a person who'll do anything that's necessary to get what they want. Pretty good fighter, for a woman!! No offence!! She also managed to escape death when she was caught, you have to admire that!! Captain Kidd was a good pirate too, pity he got hung. . .anyway moving on. . .  
  
And so on to my guide, and thanks to everyone has reviewed, me hearties. I'd give you some rum, but then I'd have to kill you!! Get your grubby hands off my rum *flashes sword* .  
  
Pillaging, Plundering, Raiding.  
  
Okay so this next bit is all about pillaging, plundering, raiding and generally making a bloody nuisance outta yourself. Now the key is to PEE!! (That should be easy to remember for the slower people out there. . .it rhymes!!)  
  
So PEE, what does it stand for: -  
  
Plan  
  
Empty  
  
Evaluate  
  
Pretty self explanatory really: -  
  
PLAN ~ Well there is the myth that if you plan something well enough, nothing can possibly go wrong!! Ha!! I planned the trip to get the gold of Cortez, and look how that ended! Or rather don't look. . .let's just forget that ever happened!! Okay so although it doesn't ALWAYS work, planning is good. I mean if you can name a rule that works ten times outta ten I'll give you a bottle o' rum!! Mmmm Rum. . . I could kill for some rum right now. Er. . .where was I? Oh yeah. . .planning also gives the crew a bit o' confidence. They ain't gonna be willing to just charge in without having a clue bout what their doing, trust me. Planning helps, but don't count that it's gonna work one hundred percent!  
  
Now what makes a good plan. . .well if it works, it was a good plan, if it doesn't it was a bad plan. But don't forget some things could be like a blessing in disguise, for instance I lost the Black Pearl but I got to spend a night on the island with that rich chick, Liz!! ^_^  
  
EMPTY - Basically attack the town, and empty it off all the valuables you can find. Remember most things are worth something, so just grab everything you see. . .oy and leave the women alone. . .that's against the code!!  
  
EVALUTATE ~ If it didn't work, look back on and see where you went wrong. It doesn't pay to make the same mistake twice!! I've never been a fan of déjà vu. (I can speak French!!).  
  
Okay so pick your town. If you're new to this, I suggest starting small, I mean you've got all your career to expand. Who knows you might be doing England soon!  
  
First thing is to attack at night, when everyone is in bed, and all the faithful, loyal King's guards have fallen fast asleep. Then strike. Start with the cannons, give the town a fair old walloping with the long nines, and the chain balls. You could even try to take out a few of the navy ships in the harbour. Once your bombardments done, or you've ran outta cannon balls, which ever comes first. Tell your men to row ashore.  
  
The people of the town will be in the height of the confusion, many of 'em dead. So your men can just go along, kill the rest that remain standing, and grab any valuables that catch their eyes. Taking captives is a bad idea, especially women. After all it's bad luck to have a woman on board, plus they scream a lot.  
  
There are certain points in the town you should aim for. Send your men to the prison to pick up the condemned pirates, they might turn out very good crew members, and can help with the whole pillaging, plundering, raiding process.  
  
Another good place is the armoury - after all weapons always come in handy right? And Rich Households they contain lot's of gold, jewellery and money, all which can be bartered for food and supplies.  
  
Once you have finished with the town, just hop back onto your ship and sail away, Robert's your uncle, Fanny's your aunt, and there you are sailing away Scot free. (who the hell is Scot?!) And so that is a very basic, introduction to pillaging and plundering.  
  
WHAT WE HAVE LEARNT TODAY: -  
  
PEE IS THE KEY.  
  
NOT MUCH REALLY.  
  
Okay, next time I'm gonna tell you everything you need to know about weapons, including waging war with flags. Yes you heard me, you can battle rival ships with those pretty things you wave from the flag pole!! Anyway review and tell me if my guide has aided you in your calling on the road to piracy. . . 


	7. Waging War

To My Reviewers: -  
  
Anolinde ~ Thanks for the review, matey. Yes, the 'what we have learnt today' is a very important section, it summarises my chapters. . .(don't ask why that happens to be important!!) . . .  
  
The Second Geek - Pizza? *looks at it suspiciously for a few minutes* mmm. . . pizza. . .and thanks for calling me chapter fantastic *blushes* oh you reviewed twice!! I've ne'er felt so loved!! ^_^  
  
Queen Flare ~ Be careful of the fishing boats. . .they can be the worse!! Oh, and I'm glad my guide is helping. With all this praise it's a wonder I don't have a big head!!  
  
PhoenixPadfoot89 ~ I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I am unhangable, and the Black Pearl is uncommandeerable (is that a word?! *nods* it's my word!! Hey, I just made a new word!!) . . .  
  
Salem Crane ~ More rum!! Nasty torture for scum like Norrie, and Barbie? Maybe we should exchange notes. . .*intelligent look*  
  
Moonglow13 ~ No, they're aren't many. Mine IS the best!!  
  
Waging War  
  
Okay, so the idea is to capture the enemy ship, with as little damage to yourself and the prize as possible, this may mean that up close tactics are needed. Sometimes, to reduce the personal risk more long distance fighting can be adopted. I mean no matter how we pirates are portrayed, as the devil's children, scum o' the earth, with no feelings. . .we don't want to end up at the bottom of Davy Jones Locker.  
  
Okay so there are three possible outcomes when you start to battle. Pretty simple really: -  
  
The enemy gives up quickly after a cannon shot warning, or damage to the main sail.  
  
This could involve getting a little bit closer, using closer range guns, and grenades.  
  
A bloody, close range contact. . .try and avoid these. . .it's not good for your ship to get shot at all day.  
  
Okay personally my favourite weapon has to be reputation. The idea of scaring off another ship, without having to fire a single shot appeals to me (for some reason!!). It also greatly reduces the loss you may suffer during conflict. So to begin with you must build up a reputation as a blood thirty, spawn of the devil pirate, who never backs down. And after a couple of hundred years you might just reach my standard. (Come on, we both know that will never happen!!)  
  
Making your own Flag: -  
  
I asked Elizabeth what her flag would be. . .and she said somethin' about bunny rabbits, flowers, and the peace symbol. You can go with that approach if you like, but I doubt it will have much effect. . . OR you can take my approach to flag making. For a start don't steal any one else's 'cause they'll be after you!!  
  
Right so on to what they mean: -  
  
A Pierced Heart - A merciless death - which is what anyone gets if they try to take the Black Pearl. . .if you don't believe me look what happened to Barbossa. . .he got shot!!  
  
A Heart with drops of blood - a drawn out, long painful death. . .  
  
A spear - Violent Death (whose death I'm not sure. . .)  
  
A Skeleton - apparently this shows a tormented death. . .(isn't that the same as the three above?)  
  
Flowers - shows there is a woman on board. . .women are bad luck so therefore the enemies will stay away (well that's the theory anyway)  
  
Or you could use a combination of all them. A skeleton having his heart pulled out with a flowered spear? As far as I know, that one's free.  
  
Other weapons.  
  
Okay, so you've only just started out on your career, you don't have a reputation to fight your battles for you? Never mind, I still have a few tricks up my sleeve, there are other weapons available.  
  
Cannons - Lot's of scallywags needed to man these, bout four every cannon, I think. Good for long range, destroying the enemy shops. . .I mean ships (Don't ever spend the weekend with Elizabeth. . .bloody hell you wouldn't think there could be that many dress things too try on. . .) they range from about 700-1000 yards. Call me old-fashioned, but I'm still a yard man, I don't hold with all this metric rubbish, I mean what the hell is a metre? And now back to my guide. . .cannons. Get them. They're good. *nods*  
  
What to load the cannons with: - (I know this seems pretty obvious. . .)  
  
Grape shot - Lot's of tiny little balls all shot together. . .basically puts lot's of tiny little holes in the enemy. . .  
  
Bundle Shot - bundles of short metal bars. . .  
  
Anything - As you will remember from my film, The Inteceptor filled their cannons with ANYTHING. Scrap metal, iron, nails, spikes. . .and when all that is gone. . .gold. It's quite funny really, 'cause you don't need to aim the shot, the enemy jump up to catch the gold. ^_^ (silly men!!)  
  
Closer range weapons: -  
  
Stinkpots - small clay pots filled with burning sulphur (can't find sulphur? Rotting fish will do!!) thrown on the deck. Tear gas. Best outcome ~ the gas overwhelms their desire to fire. Worse possible outcome ~ you misaim, or the pots go off before you throw them. . .I mean way to score an own goal, eh?  
  
Grenades - glass bottles, or pots filled with black powder mixed with broken glass, and scrap iron. Good for wounds, and shock value. (Yes, they are those bomb things from the film. . .the one that Will was standing next to. . .which *cough* didn't actually work!!)  
  
Then of course there are the guns. Millions of them. . .okay so that's a slight exaggeration. . .but there are lot's and lot's of 'em.  
  
Pocket pistols, multi-barelled pistols, Flintlock pistol, Musketoon, volley guns. (see, lot's and lot's).  
  
Even Closer Range Weapons : -  
  
Cutlass ~ Quicker then the guns. . .I mean in battle the enemy aren't just going to stop whilst you reload you gun. . .(surprising, ain't it?) they're shorter then normal swords, with a broader blade, perfect for close range fighting. . .AND. . .they never run out.  
  
Other things: -  
  
Boarding hooks - (also visible in my film) used with ropes to board the enemy ship.  
  
Boarding Axes - Used to cut the ropes of the boarding hooks. And anything that stood in the way, doors, locks, hatches. . .etc.  
  
Tomahawks - axes that can be thrown at stuff (usually people. . .)  
  
Marlinespike - *shudder* for those with mutiny on their mind. . .this is a good weapon.  
  
Okay, so chose your weapon. You'll soon decide which are the best for you. Try the reputation thing, it really works. Once I looted and sunk 22 navy ships in harbour, without having to fire a single shot. The crews fled as they saw me approach. (I wouldn't try that one, if I was you. . .just yet).  
  
Hope my guide has helped. So your task for today is to go and attack a rival ship (long as it's not mine!! Ha. . . you wouldn't stand a chance!!) and tell me how you get on.  
  
WHAT WE HAVE LEARNT TODAY: -  
  
You learn something new everyday! (Just erm. . . not today!)  
  
RANDOM FACT: - (new section!!): -  
  
Most Pirates are ex-navy, so there's hope for Norrington yet!  
  
Drop me a line, me matey's and tell me how your getting on. . .  
  
Coming next issue, Ladies of the Night. 


	8. Ladies of the Night

Hullo Peoples, it's merry ol' me again! You won't believe the trouble I've had with this chappie. . .I mean finding the time for one thing. I've been so busy what with this massive storm which took out my internet connection, and then trying to convince Gibbs to leave the poor cat alone. . .*cough* not to mention getting riotously drunk at Will and Liz's wedding. . .wait I shouldn't have mentioned that! 

And for another I struggled to talk about my women and keep it below NC-17 or whatever that stupid rating is called. . .

So anyway on with the chapter, which I am afraid (nope wrong word, I'm not afraid of anything) so erm. . .which I am [insert word which means afraid, but doesn't] is quite short, mainly due to the aforementioned (wow look at that long word, just look at it!!) problems. 

__

To My Reviewers: - 

Jack Sparrow ~ Hey?! Have you stolen my name?

Raptress ~ Thanks for the idea!! ^_^ 

_Evanjaleene__ ~ WOW!! That's a reputation an' an half! _

Heather ~ Well I don't believe the stupid stuper. . .stupersti. . .stupersiti. . .I don't believe it. You know it's also bad luck to have a seagull land on the deck? Bad luck. . .no tasty luck. . .mmm seagull. . .I think the reason it's bad luck to have a woman on board is because she distracts the crew. . .

Bex ~ I am glad you like my guide. . .I am brilliant, aren't I? Rum? Don't get me started on rum. . .I could go on all day. . .and probably all night too. Mmm rum!! Curses, eh? Well you should certainly watch out fer the Heathen Gods, they seemed pretty pissed at me for some reason?! Confuzzelment. . .what a cool word!! Hey that's me new word. . .CONFUZZELMENT!! ^_^

Bannonluke ~ Learning is fun!! Especially learnin' to be a pirate. (course I didn't have to learn, it all comes naturally to moi!!) You get slapped a lot?! *shakes head* I wouldn't know mate. . .I'm a good boy. . .really! 

_PhoenixPadfoot89__ ~ Believe me it wasn't funny! Bloody women. . ._

Queen Flare ~ Have fun wit' your fishing boat! (and all you did was point a pistol at them and they jumped over board?!) see your reputation is starting already! A Lady, huh? Oh well. . .means you can cheat your way outta being hung (if you get caught!!)

_The Second Geek__ ~ Barrel of rum, silky, silky sheets. . .he he thanks very much me matey. Unpredictable, moi? Never! Baaa!! Anyway I like surprises (I'm just a little boy at heart), and erm. . .hats! Tell me what flag you decide on so I don't *accidentally* attack you whilst I be sailing the Caribbean. _

_Laraeliae Black__ ~ Glad you like my guide!! ^_^ _

_kingleby__ ~ Hey, where you bin my matey? Not caught in some dingy prison somewhere I 'ope! Yes Anne Bonny was a good pirate. . .shows what a woman can do, eh? Evil? Pirate. _

Wow!! Lot's of reviews. . .but I want MORE MORE MORE. . .*ahem* back to my guide. . .

Next time I won't be replying to ALL my reviews, unless I have somethin' to say, or you ask a question, 'cause as you can see it takes up an awful lot of the chapter. . .but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate you, savvy? 

All about them Women. Aye, and about time too. *wink, wink*. 

So to start with the term 'Lady of the Night'. Well basically Ladies *_cough_* (yeah right!!) that come out at night. You know I have often wondered what they do during the day. One of life's little mysteries I suppose. 

As I have said previously in my guide, Tortuga is a wonderful place to go. Full of very willing women, and reasonable prices. I mean you get the occasional hysterical clingy ones, who want security, love, they try to change you. . .but no one could change Captain Jack Sparrow! Except maybe. . .wait actually no. . .let's not go into that. . .

So where do you look? Well the pub is a good start, try to avoid the back street ones. They usually carry knifes and have these big scary blokes with them, you'll more then likely end up dead. They are mainly there for protection on the girl, an' if you don't pay up. . .believe if you have a head on your shoulders. . .you'll pay.

If you manage to tumble into Tortuga there are a few places you could try such as '_The Green Apple_' and the '_Le chat noir'_ which is French for something or other. 

Okay let's talk kids, or rather NOT! Okay, common enough question. Do you have kids? Well, none that I know of. . .hey. . .having a thought, why don't women ever say that?! So anyway, although you here stories of the famous pirates leaving a mini me in every port. . .it's not worth the hassle, specially if the brats. . .I mean beautiful adorable cherubs. . .catch up wit' you!

*_shudder_* I've read quite a few fanfics where I have kids, and believe me half an hours pleasure is not worth a life time shackled as a 'dad'. Unless of course you really love the wench *_cough_* like that could happen. 

And for all the women reading this, that's like everyone isn't it? Then becoming one of these desirable women is not hard, it's just a ten tonne of makeup away. Interested? *_dodges rotten fruit_* okay, okay, so maybe it's not the most glamorous occupation in the world, but someone has to do it, right?

Now one more thing before I piss off and stop annoying y'all, there is one thing you must **NOT** do, and I mean under no circumstances. Don't beat 'em up. For one thing they probably have got some gorilla of a pet round the corner waiting to string you up from the nearest post, and give you a couple of wooden legs. But for another, it ain't right to beat up a woman. There are many ethical problems deep at the root of this (don't I sound important?). Treat 'em with respect, I mean I know they're whores, but they're still women, so erm. . .yeah. . .don't hit 'em, under **ANY** circumstances. Unless of course they deserve it. 

WHAT WE HAVE LEARNT TODAY: - 

*mutters something about seagulls*

RANDOM FACT: -

*mutters something about seagulls*

Okay, wasn't that fun? So next time, it'll either be famous pirates or how to talk like a pirate, depending on how I'm feeling, savvy?


	9. Top Ten ScaryCool Pirate People

I'd just like to thank the Second Geek for my new Canvas, and the rest of you for reviewing! I have such a good audience. Now on with the chapter!! 

F**amous Pirates. (one's you want to be avoiding.)**

Let's do it in numbers . . .*Jack stop showing off* . . .She's just jealous because I can count! Anyway thanks to my reviewers, most of you wanted 'Famous Pirates', so I thought that's what I'd do. Tell me what ye think me matey's. 

****

Top Ten Scary/Cool Pirate People.

10. Bartholomew Roberts – His nickname was Black Bart, and he was quite successful capturing over 400 ships in his life time (not quite as good as me, but he tried!). He was quite religious though, and drank tea instead of rum. . .he also forbade drinking and gambling. (as you can tell that is why he is number ten on my list!). He preferred to think of himself as a gentleman pirate, and thought he was better then the rest of us. . .hmmm. . .he wasn't so cool after all. . .but he did take over 50 million in gold! 

He worked on a pirate ship, and was elected Captain when the former died. After a career stretching over thirty months he was killed by a single grapeshot. . .by another ponce called. . .erm. . .well I don't suppose it's important. But that's what happened. 

The crew threw his body overboard, as he had asked and gave themselves in. 54 men were hung at the biggest execution ever (bet it wasn't as cool as my execution?!).

****

9. The Barbarossa Brothers (I'm NOT making this up. . .hmmm. . . wonder where Disney got the name Barbossa from?) *cough* anyway. . .they did some pretty cool stuff, but they are near the bottom of my list because of their name *shudder*.

****

8. Samuel Bellamy - He was originally a sailor, but his lust for gold was too much, (more then a sailor's wages anyway!!) So he took his family to America to engage in the popular sport of pirating! In other words attacking merchant ships, Spanish treasure ships, anything that floated really, and stealing everything he could get his hands on! Liking him yet? 

He joined another pirate ship and became the Captain when the captain was *cough* conveniently disposed off. MUTINY! But he deserved it. . .he was too nice. . .or something along those lines. 

After a three day chase they attacked a cargo ship from England, capturing hordes of treasure, ivory, sugar and indigo (I thought that was a colour!?) 

Anyway after his long successful career he bumped into some rocks in the fog, his dear ship sank, and he drown along wit' most o' his crew. Or did he? 

****

7. Francois L'Ollonais - Okay, his earlier life matters not. He went to Tortuga, where the crooked, pirate governor gave him a ship. Francois used his ship to attack the Spanish, earning himself a nickname of 'The flail of the Spaniards'. Remember the whole reputation = good thing? Well, this is a story o' how it backfired. People fought against him because they knew they were gonna die, so might as well die fighting, eh? 

On some expa. . .expedition. . .or something. . .he was caught by Indians, torn apart and eaten. Well, at least he wasn't hung, right?

****

6. Henry 'Long Ben' Every - (that kinda rhymes if you say it after a couple o' bottles o' rum!) - I think one of the best things about Henry Every was when he offered to pay of the English national debt in exchange for a pardon (he was either bloody rich, or er. . .bloody drunk!)

****

5. Barbossa - Yeah right!! Erm. . .now the real number 5…

****

5. Mary Read – Ah, time for a girlie me thinks. . .*Mary Read will kill me for saying that. . .wait, she's dead. . .* Mary was the child of an affair with a pirate. Her mother dressed her up as a boy to continue receiving benefits, crafty, eh? And whilst serving as a cabin boy, she met her future husband (I reckon she revealed herself before they married, unless what a shock, eh?) After his death, she went back to her old tricks, and joined another crew. During an attack by Calico Jack she was caught and taken by him. She made friends with Anne Bonny (sweet, eh?) and died of fever in prison. . .A few seconds silence for a truly great woman, and a pirate! 

****

4. Anne Bonny – It would be unfair to mention Read without Bonny, so here it goes. Just read the above but replace *Mary* with *Anne*, savvy? I mean they're all the same right? 

****

3. 'Calico' Jack Rackham – Okay, okay. . .so I had to put him in somewhere! So he wasn't really a famous pirate!! More famous for all his women crewmembers. . .and for wearing calico I think! After a couple o' years o' good honest pirating he went and impregnated Anne Bonny (now come on, who HASN'T done that?!) she had his baby, which they then gave to some family in Cuba. 

In later years, during an attack in Jamaica his whole crew was arrested. Most of them were pregnant, and quite a few were women, so got away without being hung. (remember that one!!) Calico Jack (cool name!!) was hung to try and stop other nasty pirates, in Deadman's Cay, near to Port Royal. (which is where I was going to be hung!). You know maybe I'll more famous after I am dead. . .

****

2. Blackbeard – (yes he existed!!) Now one reason this bloke was so successful, was he always prepared, which is something I've been drumming into your heads. He was always ready with armed pistols, daggers, and two cutlasses. He also had fourteen wives (but that is so not why I like him!), apparently weddings aboard his ship were frequent. And he was completely bonkers. He had himself and various crew members locked in the hold with a burning pot of brimstone to see who could withstand the fumes the longest. . .he won. Hey, I must try that. . .Annamaria? Gibbs? Anyone? They don't seem too enthusiastic! 

But the reason I think he is one of the coolest pirates ever is after he lost his ship he returned to Bath Town sold his remaining ships, settled on land and bought a bonny wee house. Where he drove the neighbours mad by holding a week long party with a load of other pirates!! What a great idea! Annamaria? Gibbs? Oh, now they come running. . . 

Anyway his life ended in a bloody battle, where he was killed by some ponce like Norrington, and his head displayed on the ship! 

****

1. Captain Jack Sparrow – (woah, didn't see this one coming!) Okay, okay, so obviously I am the scariest, coolest pirate to ever walk the Caribbean. I am all the above combined. Except for the bad bits. And of course I have one added advantage over all of them, *smiles wickedly* I'm still alive. 

WHAT HAVE WE LEARNT TODAY: -

ERM. . .THE TOP TEN PIRATES? 

THAT BEING A WOMAN IS MUCH EASIER THEN BEING A BLOKE? NOPE? OH WELL. . .

Have you done something truly amazing? Better then my top ten? Do you deserve some recognition? (I sound like one of those car credit adverts, or insurance claim people. . .) then drop me a review and tell me what you have done during your pirating career. If you didn't get the hint, I'm asking you to review, savvy? Still didn't get the hint. . .I don't know what to say. . .you must be slower then Will Turner! 


	10. Gibbs Guide to Bad Luck

A/N I would like to apologise in advance for the blatant sexist views presented in Gibb's Guide to Bad Luck, the views expressed in this guide are solely his own, and do not represent the views held by JessieRose Incorporated, and her affiliates. Thank-you.

From Jack: - I've been terribly busy recently, so I said Gibbs could write the chapter for me…and for that I sincerely apol…apolog…I'm sorry!

From Gibbs: - I saw Jack writtin' somethin' one day…an' thought I'd try it myself. There's nothing I can tell you tha' Jack can't, so I'll stick to what I know best; bad luck! So welcome to: -

GIBBS'S GUIDE TO BAD LUCK

Right, me matey's, seeing as I'm getting' sick an' tired o' tellin' people again an' again what is bad luck, I thought I'd write it down for everyone to read (I'm banking on everyone's ability to read. . .? And their access to a computer!)

So just follow these few simple guidelines an' you'll have a lovely passage across the sea (unless you bump into the Pearl!! In which case you'll probably die): -

1.Women.

Women are very BAD luck. They put the whole ship in danger when they're on board. Aye, they do. So avoid 'em at all costs. Even them ones that scrub the desks, or entertain the cap'n, all of 'em, especially miniature ones, savvy? I mean, okay? Mainly 'cause they distract the crew an' we end up crashing into rocks or ice bergs etc.

Besides women were not made to be sailors, aye they weren't, they should stay at home and do the ironin' or something!

2. Sleeping

NEVER wake a man whilst he's sleeping wit' his pigs, it's bad luck. I think it's got somethin' to do wit' desturbin' the dreams, but I'm not sure. This can be countered by the man who did the waking, buying the man who did the sleeping a drink. . .or something along those lines anyway.

3. Birds

If a seagull lands on the deck, it's very BAD luck. To counteract (Ohh. . .loooong word. . .I learnt this from Barbossa! He was the class swot. . .) this, you could shoot it. But never shoot an albatross. Ah, this is where a sailor's spirit goes when he dies. If ye kill one o' these, well basically you're doomed. If ye don't believe me; read the poem. . .blush wait. . .I don't read poetry. . .Just think Albatross = gold coin? I mean if you lose your gold coin then your doomed for all…

4. Silver Coin

If yer place a silver coin under the mainmast step, it will provide a booty full voyage. Jack said he and Barbossa did it on the way to the Isla de Meuta, and Barbossa found lot's of gold. So it **must **be good luck, right?

5. Fight the sea.

If you fall over board it is useless to fight the sea, it has chosen you as its victim. Therefore, don't bothering learning how to swim, 'tis a waste of time.

6. Friday

'Tis a bad day to start a voyage. Don't set off on a Friday. Or basically do anything on a Friday. Friday is like a sailor's seventh day, we don't do anything!

7. She Ships

Ships are referred to as 'she' 'cause, although it is bad luck to have a woman onboard. A sailor must keep up the connection with their family. The 'she' connects to a female family member. Usually 'the bit on the side' wink. . .

8. Mermaids.

Ah, the beautiful sirens of the sea. If you hurt a mermaid you and your crew are doomed for eternity. If you catch one, they bring you all the luck in the world. But it's hard to catch one of these creatures without hurting 'em. So not worth the risk. Now I remember when Jack went off to find a mermaid. . .ow! Jack just kicked me. . .

9. Whistling

If ye whistle on board ship, then the gods will conjure up a storm from the sea. Cotton liked to whistle. . .so we took out his tongue.

10. Hare and Rabbit Things.

Apparently, a dead hare onboard ship is supposed to bring bad weather. If anyone has experienced this please drop me a line, 'cause I haven't tried this one out. I mean where would I get a hare from? And why would it be dead? And why would I take it on board ship with me? And why. . .ow Jack just kicked me.

11. Chartered Waters

Don't sail too far out of unknown waters, we don't want to be sailing off the edge of the world, now do we?

12. Names

Now it's terribly unlucky to change a ship's name mid-voyage. I certainly regretted letting Annamaria choose the name of the ship. I mean we can't sound very scary can we: - The Wombles. grumble

13.

Right, number 13 is. . .wait a second, 13? Argh. . .

Warding off Bad Luck

There are certain ways o' wardin' off bad luck.

1. Naked women are said to calm the seas. That's why 'tis lucky to have a bare-breasted female figurehead at the bow of the ship.

2. Crossing yer fingers can bring good luck to a voyage.

3. Breaking a small piece of wood is known as the 'lucky break'. Just don't break anythin' important. . .like the sails. . .

4. A lucky Rabbit's Foot. . .I think this one speaks for it's self.

I hope my guide has made things a little clearer. Now if any o' the above things aren't workin' drop me a review an' I'll tell you what you're doing wrong, savvy? ow Jack just kicked me, apparently that's _his_ word! .


End file.
